Why do you want to marry?

September 14, 2006

A conversation with a group of Amroos, on a weekend night: After the trite topic of Hinduism was beaten, washed, and dried (always happens with every group, they have to ask me about Hinduism, and they tend to know more than me! They expect me to give a discourse, but I end up listening to their view of world, cosmos, and God), one guy said he was to get married. I said “awesome, so why do you want to get married?” to which he replied “I am in love with her, and I thought of taking it to the next level”. I said “nice”, wondering if Sonali Bendre would agree to my proposal.

Then my twin stepped in, the other Pavan inside me. He asked a fellow desi, “hey, why do you want to marry?” to which he replied “err, to settle down?”. Hmmn, considering arranged marriages, this vaguely answered my question. But I being me, grilled him further (he didnt commit suicide yet):

Pavan: So, you want to settle? (So, I should stop using “So” that often) Hmmn, okay, but that reason doesnt fit very well. Imagine you are conversing with one of the probables your parents have chosen. She asks you the same question, and if you answer that way, she might not be much impresed. I mean, shouldnt there be a strong and compelling/convincing reason which would make her say “wow, I would like to spend the rest of my life with HIM”. This is the focus.
Fellow desi: “hmmn, I want to have a family, you see”

Pavan, donning the role of probable bride: “not quite impressed yet”

Pavan, as Pavan: “Dont give prepared answers. Tell what you genuinely feel. Tell me really, why are you doing masters? ‘coz you want to have a job? or is it because you want to grow in your career, learn things, and apply stuff or make things better.. blah blah? platonic answer.. as in a job interview, answer on those lines..”

Fellow desi: “dude, you are nuts, let me get myself another beer” and thus avoided me.

Pavan, now got his notepad and hunted another desi for this reporter-style-interview “hey mama, was just wondering.. blah” and put the same question, this time more nicely.

Desi#2: “dude, ahem, I have needs, and every one has to settle down with a female na?” I didnt even want to ask what his needs were (not that he was wrong, but was too explicit, and somehow didnt sound melodious and not the answer I was hunting for, which I dont know yet)

This became like Holy Grail, I was looking for a convincing reason.. and all these ppl are in mid-twenties.. Matured? Marriageable age? Hmmn, I wonder. And people still get married and “live happily-ever-after” (pun)

Desi#3: “Dude, I am lonely, and I want somebody from the opp. gender.”

Pavan: “You are lonely? How uncool! You dont have many friends/peers? Why the need of marriage or a female? Would that remove the emptiness inside you? and if so, how? Convince her, with a good reason that makes her think this guy has a good direction of thinking, I like that

Desi#3: “We are straight, and hence the choice, the genes, the drive, you know the stuff”

Pavan: “ah, here comes Darwin and Richard Dawkins! dude, everybody knows that.. there is something more than that.. c’mon, you could answer.. a lil bit more stress on brain.. c’mon. See, hint: this prospective bride is also a person. See beyond YOU..”

Desi#3: “hey, there come some chicks, let me try my luck” and left..

hmmn, I have an answer, but let me get your opinion, dear reader! Shoot. Puhleez?

PS: occasionally I get hit by a pillar, and behave like this.

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26 Responses to “Why do you want to marry?”

  1. hardu Says:

    For companionship. Yes, there are friends but friends get married and are engrossed in their own lives. Then one is left alone. If there is a partner, he/she would be there for you to share everything. Someone whom you can consider to be your own with whom you can share things and that person shares as well. One can do things together because many things are better when it involves more than one person.

    Then ofcourse, one might want children and being brought up in Indian society, out of wedlock is not acceptable.

    I had become so much against marriage that putting these positive things down, made me think a little more positively towards marriage.

  2. shark Says:

    I am marrying only for MONEY ;-). and to have a free-slave who can carry my shopping bags πŸ˜€

    On a serious note,You marry becasue then you can “claim” that one person is ALL yours. This can never happen with friends becasue there will be other friends, Parents – they have themselves, Siblings – again shared between parents, thier friends/spouse etc.
    This feeling of ownership makes you care for your spouse more πŸ™‚ and in turn (in ideal circumstances) you will be cared for. And thus you have 2 people caring for each other and taking care of each others needs. That’s all about companionship right?

  3. Jo Says:

    Because I want social acceptance of the relationship which I share with the person I love !

  4. Sudhakar Says:

    I want to see how the married life will be?

  5. Pavan Says:

    [hardu] “sharing” is the keyword I got from you.. true, I was just hunting for something else πŸ™‚
    One can do things together because many things are better when it involves more than one person.
    yes, but how is this related to marriage? more the merrier, so polygamy? πŸ˜‰

    [shark] I pity P.. he isnt aware of the pit ahead πŸ˜‰
    “companionship and caring”: yes, they are vital for a marriage..

    [Jo] from what I gather, yours is a love-marriage, I was just trying to get answers for an arr-marr scenario

    [Sudhakar] I didnt get your question.. you want to see how married life, in general would be, or how my married life would be? first part, I am on that quest, and if second part, that it is your quest πŸ™‚

  6. Ashwin Says:

    For companionship, to lead a life in a team kind of situation and give a very eligible and comfortable life to my children and offcourse an opportunity to my spouse to lead a life which she wanted to, to which she might have been restricted. To add to it I want to be happy

  7. some body Says:

    “I said β€œnice”, wondering if Sonali Bendre would agree to my proposal.”

    sonali bendre will say that you have already attained the highest level (possible).

    how come you have desi1, desi2, desi3, but not pa1,pa2,pa3? it gets really difficult keeping them apart, i.e. the pavan, the evil twin of pavan, and the probable bride pavan!

    couple more posts like this and a famous institution in germany will send you an expenses paid one-way ticket (plus the 16 euros also, don’t forget). πŸ˜‰

    – s.b.

    p.s.: looks like pavan is all set to take an exam and is polling all question-setters for the ‘best’ answer. all the best in crackin’ the open book exam.

  8. some body Says:

    sorry for comment bombing but this might be the time to direct you (and your readers) to one of the funniest blogs i ever read. unfortunately, the link to reality apparently was revealed somewhere along the line, and the indian has been silent since. but you can still get a good humorous glimpse of ze married life, and this dude is, after all, from your neck of the woods (so you don’t even need the translations).

    – s.b.

  9. Pavan Says:

    [Ashwin] you were pretty close, though you still hanvet won the Miss Universe title (after answering to my pagent-like-question)

    [s.b] no probs, I appreciate that you felt it appropriate to point me to a desi+married+gult person’s blog.

    I was expecting to hear form you, you being married. And reg pa’1′,.. pa’n’, the characters above were real desis whom I had asked.. πŸ™‚

  10. marissa Says:

    marry for love. make sure u really truely care about that special someone. You have to believe in love and know that it can be shared between you and that special person

  11. You know me, so don't mention my name anywhere Says:

    Some sensible guy said somewhere that once you marry you can have *sex* and *babies*. So, that’s why you marry!

  12. some body Says:

    pavan:

    check this out

    – s.b.

  13. vin Says:

    Itz companionship that we marry for… though many r in unhappy marriages, they won’t leave the spouse easily… bcoz they fear lonliness….

  14. Pavan Says:

    hmmn, it is sad that this is becoming a “shaadi/marriage-centric” place.. atleast from the deluge of searches that google is sending here. Good that I am learning and getting various views from people all over πŸ™‚
    thanks marissa, I-think-I-know-who-you-are-from-your-email, s.b., vin.. I appreciate your time and your views.. it did help me understand the humans better πŸ˜€

    • priyanka Says:

      I do not believe in marriage…not for all but not for me. Love does not exist. One can fall in love for as many times as possible. If you are a strong and independent woman who knows what she wants and what she does not want…… she can live her life happily till the old age. Hmmm…then find a companion for yourself….

  15. Devendra Says:

    Its good to know various views from different people.
    But for me there are many reasons for why I want to get married other than biological desires. I want someone
    # who cares for me and my parents for my whole life
    # who likes, admires and loves me for my whole life.
    # with whom I can share all my feelings i.e., joy, sorrow, etc.. for my whole life.
    # who supports me morally at every stage of my life.
    # who shares my success and encourages me to getover my failures.
    # whom I can rely on blindly.
    # who shows unconditional love for me.

    I think that someone can be one and only one person, a life partner,for which I am searching for πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ and for whom I can commit myself.

  16. Kumar Somesh Says:

    Personally I believe in Unlimited Access against Pay-Per-Use! πŸ˜‰ Though you can hang out at a singles/dating club every weekend and try from a variety, the cost-benefit-value-risk analysis shows that nothing can beat married life and the extras that come with it! Of course you need to select the right partnter in the first place!!!

  17. Rhijuta Says:

    Hi Pawan, This is the first time I am visiting a blog site or writing to one (not that u deserve a special prize from me, given the fact that I am neither an authority over the topic of marriages nor the President of India… anyhow). I read couple of your posts and found them very interesting and funny. I actually got to this particular website because I searched for “tips for arrianged marriages” in google [:D].

    For the past couple of years my parents were trying to set me up for an arraigned marriage and now I am doing the same for myself. Besides, after two failed relationships (the guys chickened out, I guess…whatever), I thought love marriage is not my cup of tea. So now I am seriously thinking of arraigned marriage.

    The very question that you have posted here came to my mind many times. After talking to my very close friends and the various prospectives I got several answers, similar to all of them that are either mentioned in your post or the answers of people in here. But I am not able to convince myself with any of those answers. One of the answers that I find very interesting is “to not be lonely and being able to grow old with that someone special”- told by a friend. I am thinking of these words by Gloria Steinem “The surest way to be alone is to get married”. I read this in β€œThe book of Classic Insults” by Tom Steele. I think loneliness is a state of mind that one indulges in when he/she is not able to connect to the outside world and this can happen in any relationship be it marriage or with your immediate family. I don’t know about others, but there have been times when I have felt alone (lonely??) even when I am in a crowd or with my parents. When in doubt whether others (loved ones) will be able to understand my feelings, I feel lonely. So in this sense I don’t think marriage is a sure shot way of getting rid of loneliness. In fact, I am sure there are times in a marriage when a person wants to be left alone but is totally bothered by his nagging wife (you will find such people buried in the newspaper or watching TV on a high volume) or a demanding husband driving the woman nuts so much so that she might just end up going shopping with her friends [:D] ( I know I have mentioned very stereotypical, clichΓ©d examples, but I am sure u have salt in your kitchen). Bottom line: Feeling of loneliness is not contingent on marital status and is neither suppressed nor aggravated by it what do you think?). As far as the idea of growing old together is, I think it is nice, cute and may be even romantic. But the first thing that came to my mind when one of my very good friends gave this idea is- so what happens to you when you are 50 or 60 and you better half passes away and you live till the ripe age of 80 or more? Well, re-marriage is an option but I don’t know of many (rather any) people who have done that after crossing a certain age limit at least not in India or my community (I am from conservative Roman Catholic community). What I have seen most people do is sort of have a very surrendering attitude towards life; they just probably count their days waiting for their last breath. And to brace up themselves they pray more and more and more. You will hear them say that they are content with their lives coz their children have grown up married blah blah blah. But in reality I think they are scared and may be lonely. Discovery channel once had a small documentary series where they tried to explain polygamy of why people stray from marriage and are unfaithful? The reason they said is that the subconscious is designed to think of a situation like the death of the partner (may be like a back up plan).

    So the question still remains unanswered. Why do people marry? I think for anyone to answer this question, the first question that they should pose themselves is what does marriage mean to me, personally? What do you think Pawan (and also others… if you have actually gone through the trouble of reading my rant: D).

    Marriage is a social institution, obligation blah blah blah … whatever. For me, personally marriage is a challenge, a test of my limits as a human being, of how much can I bend or mould to the changes in my emotional environment, of whether or not I will be able to let go off my ego for the sake of the person I love or whether or not I am able to love, share and care with a person who is not my mom, dad or a sibling. While most things might not be such a big deal, dealing with my ego for the other person will be a great deal.

    The award for the most vehemant answer ?? you think?? … lemme know [:P]


  18. sahi jawab! see, it is all about the “spark”.. if you think that there is some connection from the inside then you will even forget ur requirements that u had specified in the original place while searching for the partner. . most of the times you will notice that the person who rejected you may marry someone who may not even have any 1% qualities that they initially wanted from u. also the ego is something we all have to deal with. Whenever you start thinking about the ego, remember we’re not just responsible for your own ego, we make everyone else’s ego as well. When someone irritates you, angers you, depresses you (substitute whatever negative adjective you want), you have to realize that it is not their ego that did something. There is no “their ego.” It’s always the ego we’re making and putting on them.

  19. mansie. Says:

    nothing is permanent. not even marriage. people get into it cause they seem to think that everything is secured after that but its not, not in this age and time. everything is a non- committed relationship. period.

    haha, too cynical?

  20. mansie. Says:

    nothing is permanent. not even marriage. people get into it cause they seem to think that everything is secured after that but its not, not in this age and time. everything is a non- committed relationship. period.

    haha, too cynical?


  21. First of all,

    I really like ur style of writing. I believe that writing need not be structured and always logical…things like ‘blah’ and randomness truly define a person’s real thoughts, is what I strongly feel…so it felt good to read ur thoughts…

    And about marriage…well…I feel that there should be a family, apart from your parents, for which the starting point is marriage. This family should contain everything that the world outside this family need not. It should have room for understanding ‘impractical and illogical’ needs…just for the sake of understanding. It should be a place where you can play the role of any character you want, without being judged and without being cautious. It should be a place where you can let all your inhibitions loose and not have to care about professionalism and righteousness. I feel its a place where you can and should have the best times of your life…cuz this family would be made out of love, and the people who are the dearest to you in this whole wide world. Marriage to me, is to have a family, which is just mine and my spouse’s and children’s, and no one else’s in this whole world…

    And…who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by people who love them? I think marriage is the definition of love, and love is the strongest feeling in this world…something that can make you achieve anything in life…

  22. Sanjana Says:

    Well.. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ Good one!!! And I was more amused when I read some comments in telugu :-p Happy writing!

  23. LaNotta Says:

    There are many reasons why people get married. However, in my case I am getting married because I have found the one person that makes me happy even when I am down. He loves me unconditional; cares for me, supports me morally; and I can rely on him when all else has failed. I have loved before, but not the way I love him. You see in the past I could be with someone and when they were gone it didn’t bother me as much, but being with my fiance’ is different, I can be mad at him and still want to be around him. I love him that much. So in my case no I don’t want to be alone and no I don’t want anyone else to have him. So I would say that I am getting married for, love, stability, companionship, comfort, support, and to spend the rest of my life sharing all of this with the partner that I have grown to love so much.

  24. nunu Says:

    but, is there any sound reason why you SHOULD’NT marry?


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