Relationship 101

August 30, 2006

Disclaimer: I aint having one. Right now.

Consider this scenario 1: You are single. You want to seek a relationship. So, you set some minimum standards before hunting for the right person. How do you set these standards? By comparing with your current position or set of mind, right? And then you start looking for someone who is of comparable standards, right? By standards, I mean maturity, sense of humor, opinion on living or spending, future course of life, education, decision-making, intelligence, blah blah. There are rare occasions where people seek for someone who is totally the opposite, but let us not consider the minority who have great amounts of patience (platonic). But primarily, one looks for a person whom you can profile, expect, know, sync with, understand, relate to, have similar frequency with.. right? So, basically you are looking for someone who isnt exactly your alter-ego, but almost you.. so you are looking for your lost narcisstic self, who is of opposite gender (or.. ah well!). You are looking for someone who would reciprocate your feelings in ample amounts.

Now, consider this scenario 2: You know such a person. This person could be your best-half (spouse), your best friend, your bartender or waitress (yes, this cashier at the coffee shop says “so one medium hot latte.. or wanna try mocha today??“.. she spoils the whole fun of me thinking or deciding on the kind of coffee I would have! she knows me so well..) who knows you in and out.. who counters your moves.. whose every move you are aware of.. where suspense is a bygone thing.. where you talk less because you know whats going on in other’s mind.. where the “zing” is lost.. where both concur.. on everything.. where both think too alike.. where conflict of opinions is rare because isnt that why you got close the first place? so what is the reason for you being in such a situation? because you know this person soooo well. Now, the reason you got close to him/her? It is Scenario 1. Now what holds the interest in the future? now, you are in a position where you cant stand another you!

So, this is a close-looped cycle, yet with gaping flaws in my arguments to prove it wrong. Prove me right/wrong. Because I am looking for your perspectives.

Footprints:

Life is like a brownian movement of particles, where every person gets a random to chance to prove himself.. It is about those chances..

-Conan O’Brien

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15 Responses to “Relationship 101”

  1. sunshine Says:

    aaah… if only there was a recipe..
    i guess as u evolve.. so does the other person.. and that’s what keeps u engaged… assuming of course that the initial compatibility still prevails..

  2. Pavan Says:

    chef Pavan is almost preparing one 😀

    seriously, thats true.. and there are a million undocumented factors that influence, its interesting research! Evolutionary psychology.

  3. hardu Says:

    I will choose to be among the very few who are looking for their complete opposites. 😀 So your scenarios will not apply to me then. 🙂

  4. hardu Says:

    On a serious note, you CANNOT find someone who is exactly like you. Especially if you are looking for a partner of the opposite sex, you cannot get someone just like that. First of all there is the basic difference of one being a man and the other woman. That difference is in itself sufficient to indicate a lot of differences based on genders. There will surely be lots of differences. What one looks for is a good number of similarities. If one is looking for everything to be exactly the same, one can never find a partner. There are bound to be differences.

  5. Jo Says:

    I think,scenario-2 can happen even between two individuals who are NOT completely in ‘in-sync’. Two persons who are known to each other(spouse/friend/whatever!) for considerable amounts of time, know what to and what not to expect from the other person. So the element of surprise/zing is not always there!
    I guess I am just looking at the pessimistic side..anyways…you wanted perspective..and here was mine 🙂

  6. Adi Says:

    Pavan,

    It all depends on how you accept the other person. If you have too many ideas in your mind about what you want in the other person, then there is every chance of finding that person. But there is no gaurantee that the person will remain like that. Like sunshine said here, “Everyone is evolving”. So, one might evolve out of the bounds that you have set for her/ him.

    My philosophy is to have an open mind about a person. Don’t slot him/ her into whatever you are comfortable with. That way the relationship can grow in many ways than one. There will be no closed loops.

  7. Adi Says:

    And yeah thanks for the blogroll! 🙂

  8. shark Says:

    Scenario1 : You can NEVER find a person who is exactly like you… nor opposite of you. With “another” person, there are always similarities and differences. It’s your choice whether you want somebody like you more.. or you like somebody not-like-you more 🙂

    Scenario2 : Even you can predict how your mother/father/sister reacts to certain situations. So why is that you never get “bored” of them..;-) But when it comes to life partners you easily get bored?

    The best way would be to give surprises to your friends/spouse once in a while.. that’s when the spark still remains..:) Effort from both the sides matter!

    K That’s it! Your question does not have a straight forward answer 😛

  9. Pavan Says:

    [hardu] On a serious note, you CANNOT find someone who is exactly like you
    true, but you strive for the closest the closest match na?

    and abt partner.. ofcourse the tone was more on the man-woman relationship.. but I was extending the argument to any reln.. friend/teacher..

    [Jo] you stated the truth.. I am hunting for a possible solution.. and free mankind 😀 Swami Pavanananda!

    [Adi] But there is no gaurantee that the person will remain like that.
    very very true.. you hit the nail! btw reg. br-ing, my pleasure..

    [shark] hehe you did find that loophole.. I did come up with the parents counter point when I was writing.. but the thing is that relationship has grown out from “expecting things” to “giving and receiving selfless love”.. it gets to a stage where you stop evaluating the performance of that reln (w/ parents) and your thoughts/feelings become involutary.. now only if the other relns turn that way! so is that the answer?

    The cycle continues 😀

  10. Netallica Says:

    Hmmmm This is a very interesting perspective.
    Every relationship tends to stagnate with time. Hence a lot depends on what you exactly look for the best fit or the optimum fit. And its true that after a point of time even people who are complete opposites of each other come to think alike. But remember that people will not always think alike even if their tastes/likings are similar. Because inherently no two people are the same.

    The main catch in any relationship is not how to start one but to maintain one. And I believe that this is possible by sharing a little bit of yourself with the other person and knowing a little bit of the other person. And yet remembering to hold your personal space. There is definitely scope for an ‘I’ in the relationship regardless of whether there is a ‘We’

    Here are my 2 cents….Hope I didn’t make sense :)))))

  11. Pavan Says:

    [Netallica]
    The main catch in any relationship is not how to start one but to maintain one

    thanks for the insight! I agree with ye, master!! 😀

    PS: you made more than sense, it is called > “common-sense” (which I lack)

  12. hardu Says:

    But why would you look for someone like you? Why is that neccessary? Haven’t your heard of the phrase “opposites attract”? If someone is not like you then you get to learn much more. Example if the husband is an Engineer and the wife a doc, there are so many new things to learn for both of them. It is not the same boring IT talk going on at home when both of them are software engineers. So someone unlike you can bring in variety in life and make it more colourful.

  13. Adi Says:

    [Hardu] I am sure you have also heard of this one, “Birds of the same feather flock together”.

  14. Pavan Says:

    [Hardu, Adi] I agree, that is what I have been hearing since my childhood. But see this way: is it not hard to connect to somebody who doesnt understand your body language or direction of thinking? Now, all of us are educated. So imagine a fictious scenario where we have an uneducated villager as spouse. It is a misfit. Not because she lacks education or anything, but because she lacks the insight or perspective that we have, and that is a mismatch. Such a relationship can be survived, but not with contentment, but with sacrifice and compromise. Sacrifice and compromise ARE part of a relationship, not the whole of it. I might be wrong, but do give me insight for me to learn and grow.

    So, I might have exaggerated by the difference in education and thinking. So let us take this example that Hardu quoted:

    Example if the husband is an Engineer and the wife a doc, there are so many new things to learn for both of them.

    True, but that hardly happens. Why do doc brides prefer doc bridegrooms and vice-versa? It is common for parents to hunt for spouse who is in the same profession because
    that helps them to understand their partner better, the difficulties, the schedules, the work-loads, the shifts, the pay scales, the ins-and-outs of that profession. Hence, invariably, knowingly or unknowingly, parents look for somebody
    from the same profession for better compatibility between the couple. Why?

  15. hardu Says:

    I also used to think the same way but now that I have thought of it, I think it would be nice to have a partner with a different profession. I had first said no to doctors but now I am open to them as I find it interesting. I will get to know much more.

    Getting married to an uneducated person is a complete misfit. I did not mean that. I meant difference more like the Engg-Doc thing.

    There is the first basic diff of a girl and a boy. For example most men like action movies and most women like romantic movies. So if you want to get married to a woman, you can have to adjust to that. Either both of you adjust and watch both kinds of movies or each one watches his/her own choice. There are many such male specific and female specific things and so you cannot find those if you go looking for the exact match.

    What matters in the end is for one to accept the other person’s ideas and views and to be open to ideas and suggestions. As long as that is there, it doesn’t matter if there are lots of differences. If one is ready to think and let go off at times and be reasonable, things will work out fine.

    Its not worth looking at all the negative things one can find. Instead look for the positive things and in your case it would mean the common things and see how you can make that work. If one is looking for faults, one can always find it. It is very easy to find faults in other people, accepting them as they are is what is more difficult and accepting it in a happy way is even more difficult.


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