Guilty of being a ‘gulti’

I dont want to be another Sanjay F(offtrack: what does F stand for?) Gupta or Kapi-kat (meow) Anu Malik. Hence, before I go ahead, like a good boy, I confess: I was hevvilee inspired by this post, of a fellow gultee. It is a nice and phannee phost, I suggest you to read it. I am here all day, go and come back.

thanks for coming back and not escaping when given a chance to, either way I would have hunted you down.

 I thought of kicking the bal-tee after reading that post about gul-tee males, by hanging from my dho-tee, but couldnt do the gal-tee. So, before you do ul-tee on my sick poetr-ee, I pour my side of being guilty.. er I mean a gultee(TM). It is purely based on my experiences, all resemblances to people living and dead (mostly) are bery bery yintensheenal.

Gultee(n): [sometimes refered to as gulti] meaning: Pavan's dictionary defines them as a thriving species from the South Eastern part of India (Andhra Pradesh) who speak an alien language called "Telugu" and are found in laaarge numbers all over the world. They are the second biggest group of Indians in US, after Gujjus (if you havent heard of them, then does motels or gas-stations or Subways ring a bell?). Every saftware company has Gults, and more gults, from programmer to tester to quality assurance department to CEO. From Oracle to MS to Google to Sitaramasastry Inc, they are everywhere. Devon street (Chicago)? check, SFO? check, Fairbanks-Alaska? check. East coast? checkuduu. Hawaii? you are kidding right? yes yes yes re baba, even there check.

Snippet: hint to imagine the scenario: When you are at Niagara falls, you hear only two languages: English and telugu.

First time I heard this word "Gult" was in TamilNadu (the perennial enemy of AP, grrrr). I was introduced to the class on my first  day and they asked me where I was from. Innocently, I replied "High-daru-baad". Oh, so you are a gultaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? (the "-aa-" part was not that long, but even today it echoes in my ears, after 9+ years). I turned behind to see if this guy was squint-eyed, and actually refering to somebody else. Nopes. His eyes drilled a 2-ft hole into my face. So, smilingly, trying to defuse the situation, I asked "gultee? what is that". My feebish smile faded. The person responsible for this invention should be awarded Nobel prize. What a creativity? You have the word-Telugu. You hate it right?. So? reverse it. Not "ugluet" (which again shares spelling with aglee i.e. ugly, damn!) but "te-lu-gu" becomes "gu-lu-te". So, Tamil is milta? Gujju is jjuggu?

That was short-lived, as I quickly learnt Tamil and become "machan" there. I never knew my past would haunt me here. In US, the Indian maps that are sold have the AP region marked as "Gult-land". Your online identity is taken over by this slang. Girls stop interacting with you if they know you are a gultee. It is as if I ride a bullock-cart, with stained teeth and torn clothes, swarm of flies around me, smell of cowdung. ayyayyo! grow up. Why this characterization-oo?

Aaj se theek 2 saal pehle, at US consulate:

Consular general: "So what is your name?"
Gult: " Venkata Ramana Gogula Vara Prasad Reddy"
CG: "huh? Where are the others?"

Snippet: Pavan's probability theorem states that if you go to any gult-land and randomly shout "Venkat", there would be atleast 2 people turning back.

Gult community is a close-knit family. They are present in universities, offices, large corporations. They keep a tab on every other Gult. "You know aa? Subbigadu got an offer from Microsoft. Dont tell anybody. He wants it to be a secret." Rinse, lather, repeat. "What ra, I heard you getting married next month? How much dowry huh?". "Mama, I need some info on this babe my parents are trying to set me up with. Do you know any Madhurima at University of Gult-sthan?". I even have plans to set up Gult Inc here. They are like FedEx, but on a small scale and into micro-economics. You want pickles to be sent from Hyd to Norfolk Virginia? No probs. You want 1 kg Pulla Reddy sweets delivered to Wisconsin-Madison? done. [..are your parents or relatives living in India..] Wanna send $400 to Dilsukhnagar (Hyd)? Not ICICI dumbo, Gult Inc. Call 1-800-PAVAN for further details. The airspace between US and AP is shrinking daily. You know why Concorde was built first place? You didnt read it here, okay? Stats show that there are atleast a dozen gults in air every second travelling the Hyd-US route. You know why telecom shares are rising daily? Try calling Hyderabad on a weekend or festive day from US. Sometimes, it is quicker to fly and wish your loved ones there. Every house in Hyd has atleast one (update: just received, it is actually 2) close relative living in US.

PR and contacts are our best asset. Every other Gult has a fat address book and the phonelist is as big as a telephone directory. Getting admitted to a university, getting reference/reco for a job etc. become easier if you are in the Gult-club.

Rule 1: You never speak about Gult club

Rule 2: You never speak about Rule#1

Rule 3: You never blog about Gult-club, especially in a derogatory tone.

Rule 4: You are so screwed today Pavan, it being a Friday evening. Your friends will have a nice time deep-frying you in hot oil.

This has reached new heights. Just like Indian BPO learn American accent, team leaders and project managers here are attending telugu courses. Really, Chandrababu Naidu kee kasam. NJ and Cal (silicon valley) has numerous of our group members running our mission there. The biggest two clubs in US are: TANA and ATA.

My views are very very skewed due to the fact that I hardly stayed in AP (and with gults). So, before you lift those hockey sticks and brickbats, I would like to proclaim this to the world, by shouting from Sears Towers: "I am proud to be gult, and shall do my best to pass on this legacy, by holding great respect to this institution". Amen. I mean A-Gulti-men.

Background song:

"Chahey koi mujhe Gultee kahey,
Kehne do jee kehta rahe,
ham sattire ke deewane hain,
hum blog kare"

–>Next week: Aravam land (Tamilians)- the revenge of the gults!<–